People who are new to Computer Science are often surprised to learn that
the faculty speak a strange language. One might expect the erudite
utterances CS faculty to convey meaning with both clarity and precision.
In fact, the profusion of terminology often obfuscates the underlying meaning,
and requires interpretation.
This dictionary is intended to help explain the jargon for the uninitiated.
It provides a translation of common statements.
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When Someone Says
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They Actually Mean
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You have produced an especially insightful and valid point
that seems to have potential benefits for all parties.
We will discuss your suggestion at the next meeting.
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There isn't a chance in hell that we'll approve your idea.
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The promotion committee has spent countless hours carefully
considering all your contributions, your research publications,
your interaction with students, and your record of service
to the department.
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After two minutes of discussion, they decided that you won't
get tenure.
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A subcommittee of four has met and decided that students would
benefit most from a diverse background that will be gained from
selected courses.
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We signed a mutual pact that requires all students to take
one course from each of us.
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High enrollments in elective courses
cannot be used as a measure of
content validity or teaching quality.
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I don't have high enrollments in my courses.
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After careful study and long deliberation, we have finally
decided to step aside and allow junior faculty more opportunities
for contact with upper levels of the administration.
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The Dean just demanded another pigeon for his new committee,
and it certainly won't be us.
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We should establish a policy that eschews industrial research funding
because the long-term commercial influence of such grants will degrade
our fundamental research emphasis.
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Industry won't touch my work with a ten-foot pole, and I hate seeing
other faculty get the money.
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We agree that high quality in both our graduate and undergraduate program
is of the utmost importance, and should be a priority item for the
coming academic year.
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We'll talk about quality all year, but we won't change anything.
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You are doing me an immense favor by agreeing to serve on the
committee, and I will remember it when you come up for tenure.
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You're a sucker; don't expect anything in return.
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Sure some of our faculty did their Ph.D. with ``big names''.
But I ask you, have they actually achieved a career commensurate
with their early promise, or are they merely overshadowed by a
prodigious advisor?
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You never heard of my Ph.D. advisor.
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We have decided to avoid discussion of national rankings because
we have observed that continual references to such things can have
a subtle and detrimental effect on the morale of our junior faculty.
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We are spiraling downward, but let's not talk about it.
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It should be obvious that we are much better than others realize;
some of the research here is much more interesting, challenging, and
significant than that of the ``so called'' experts.
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I wish I could redefine the field so that someone valued what I did.
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Sure, we have faculty who create software that is widely used in
industry and has been incorporated into commercial products, but
have they really amassed a solid record of publications in the
most elite journals?
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My research only gets published in obscure theory journals, and
I hate seeing other faculty have real impact.
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Places like Stanford and MIT aren't as good as they think because
I once beat a faculty from those places in a grant competition.
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I only won against them once.
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After careful consideration, I find that I cannot support a faculty
candidate from a place like Stanford because experience suggests
that they might not fit in well with our faculty, and collegiality
is one of our most important goals.
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Someone who is really smart and productive would make me look bad.
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We decided that it would be in the student's best interest to require
a large set of prerequisites that broaden the their background before
they enroll in our more focused courses.
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We signed a pact that requires students to take our obscure theory
courses before they can get into the systems courses they want.
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| We know you will understand that in addition to an individual's accomplishments and departmental contributions, there are a variety of considerations used in annual evaluation and justification of compensation, including absolute standing among peers at the same institution, resources available from the university administration, relative performance in specific areas of research, teaching, and service. |
We decided to give you a low raise this year and use the money
for something else.
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Everything has changed and a new era has begun -- despite lean
times in the past, the administration is now supporting our
department by allowing us to hire as many new faculty as we need.
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Now that demand is so high we can't find any faculty to hire,
the administration has finally agreed to give us positions;
they will disappear as soon as supply increases again.
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The advent of a new national research emphasis and direction
caused the administration to reassess priorities and
redirect resources from waning programs into areas that have
the greatest potential for long-term payoff.
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Faculty member X got a big grant and the only way the
administration could provide matching funds was to take
money away from everyone else.
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